As part of our Kickstarters for Screams Heard ‘Round the World and Dark Lady Returns, we offered to write obituaries for donors. Here are the obituaries for our dearly departed, very much beloved donors. If you would like your very own obituary, please visit our store.
The world declared Ryan Soto mad when he replaced his missing hand with an egg whisk, but his new brownie recipe quickly proved us all wrong. Ryan’s love of chocolate and secret brownie recipe quickly catapulted him baking stardom. After he defeated contestants on The Great British Baking Show, Sugar Rush, Nailed It!, and American Idol, Ryan opened his own high-end bakery. People lined up around the block and waited for hours just for a taste of Ryan’s famous triple-chocolate brownies. In fact, most people weren’t even that upset when they found out that the secret ingredient was human bones ground up into a fine, flour-like powder. Famous food critics were quoted as saying, “I don’t even care that these brownies are made out of people. They’re absolutely divine!” However, there were some dissenting voices, and Ryan did not survive the subsequent lynch mob. Regardless of what (or, in this case, who) went into those heavenly chocolate brownies, Ryan will be sorely missed by the baking community and dessert lovers as a whole. In lieu of flowers, please send new or gently used cutlery to the baking association of your choice.
The world mourns the loss of Quincy Hall today. Quincy’s quick wit and sarcasm saved us from the robot apocalypse. When faced with Quincy’s stinging sarcasm, the robot overlords’ circuitry shorted out, as robots are unfamiliar with sarcasm and don’t know how to handle it. Aided by best friend, Kirstin, Quincy successfully drove the robot warlords out of New Brunswick, rescuing stranded puppies along the way and amassing an army of dogs. Quincy, Kirstin, and their four-legged companions continued to roam Canada, using sarcasm to defeat the robot warlords and basically doing good deeds. Though Quincy died in the middle of a violent robot attack, he was surrounded by his many dogs and will be missed by all. Former art teacher Lisa White said of Quincy, “You can teach art, but you can’t teach good sarcasm. Quincy will be sorely missed.” In lieu of flowers, please donate dog food to Kirstin, who will be looking after Quincy’s pack of dogs.
The literary world is in mourning today after the sudden and unexpected passing of Nick Ulanowski. After the recent vampire uprising, Nick rallied his community and formed a militia to fight off the ghastly undead. Nick co-invented the garlic bomb, a device which, when detonated, sends shrapnel and garlic into the undead. Nick had 73 confirmed kills under his belt before being ambushed by a pack of vampires. He heroically sacrificed himself so that his squadron could escape to fight another day. According to one of his squad mates, his last words were, “Come and get me, you bloodsucking bastards!” He was last seen hurling garlic bombs at the swarming undead, laughing with glee as they exploded, killing several vampires before being overwhelmed by the horde. In addition to inventing the weapon that will ultimately destroy the undead, Nick was a poet. His book, As the Moonlight Shines, is a testament to the human spirit’s triumph over the undead. He will be sorely missed. In lieu of flowers, please donate garlic to the Vampire Slayers Association.
The unexpected death of Nadira Bonavita shocked the world today. Nadira will be missed by all, especially at dinner time, where her culinary skills revolutionized the world of cooking as we know it. When vegetables gained sentience and began to grow little arms and legs, Nadira was the one who warned us that we were all doomed, and we should have listened to her. Instead, we thought that the vegetable monstrosities were cute little pets, which ultimately led to humanity’s downfall. Nadira worked tirelessly against the vegetable uprising, single-handedly defeating an entire army of carrot-creatures with nothing but a potato peeler and a pot lid. For her valor, she was awarded the Medal of Honor. We wish that Nadira had died peacefully, but that is not the case. She was attacked and overpowered by evil sentient cauliflower while rescuing a bus full of puppies and children. It was a close battle, though, as Nadira managed to kill and cook seven of the cauliflower-monsters, preparing a delicacy and finally making cauliflower edible. Witnesses say that her final words were, “We all know cauliflower is disgusting. I’ve always wanted to try and make it edible.” Although she lost her life, she triumphed over the bland and tasteless cauliflower, creating a dish whose praises are still being sung. In lieu of flowers, please kill a vegetable in her honor.